I have something to say to my fellow Americans.
(It is Friday, non-American readers, so please bear with me too.)
We the people of the United States — each and every one of us hard-working stiffs — may all be about to get checks for $300 this year. That is the news from Washington, D.C. where President Bush and the House of Representatives have agreed on an economic stimulus program designed to stave off a recession. The plan is now in the hands of the Senate.
But who cares about a recession, people? Who cares about using this money — $300 minimum per working person, mind you — to pay the bills, put the kids through school or to buy extra steak dinners.
Do you not see what this means?
There are a few hundred million people in this country. I don’t know how many of them hold jobs, but that number is certainly greater than the combined 19.8 million Wii, PS3 and XBox 360 consoles that the NPD group reports have been sold in the U.S.
Clearly, not every American yet owns a new video game console. That can now change in 2008 if this plan passes.
From sea to shining sea, there will soon be but one obvious way to solve that national problem. My fellow Americans, your $300 tax rebate can be used to buy you a brand new console. Even if you weren’t planning on getting one! Courtesy of the U.S. government! This is the greatest sign of generosity from a wealthy power since Oprah Winfrey gave each of her studio guests a new car.
Consider the far-reaching impact of an America that boasts 100% console ownership:
- Wii Friend Codes — Solved! The struggle to remember your friend code and add others’ will be gone, as every Wii-owning American will feel encouraged to write their friend codes on their car bumpers, making trading friend codes as easy as getting into a fender bender.
- Red Ring of Death failure rates — Demystified! With the entire nation investing their $300 in hard-drive-free Xbox 360 Arcade consoles, the failure rate of Microsoft’s machine will no longer be under or over-estimated. Instead it will be measured in the size of states. Rhode Island? California? We’ll know.
- Everybody Votes — Enhanced! The Wii’s voting channel will now be capable of telling a firm in Kyoto, Japan the exact results of the U.S. presidential election, before they even happen for real.
- Xbox Live Strain — Tested! Microsoft’s online game service will get its best and final stress test. If Xbox Live can handle everyone in the United States playing their console at once, it can handle anything.
- PlayStation 3 — Discounted! If the country wakes up in two or three months with the means and a mandate for every home to own a gaming machine, then the gaming machine with Home will need to get involved. Only if it costs $300. PS3 prices must be slashed to meet this new American standard.
What other ramifications could there be? Oh, let’s not kid ourselves. What ramifications will there be? Because surely this is going to happen, right? The tax refund and the national priority to spend money on gaming machines… and … oh yeah. Wait.
There is a problem. Nintendo won’t be able to make enough Wiis. So this will not come to pass.
But just, for a second, imagine if it did…
